Today is my last day of work. My last day with this life - life as I have known for a year.

How sad and crushed I feel. How overwhelmingly repentent. In my mind I feel like nothing will be different, I can weave my way in and out of this life, come back when I please, but that, that, is not true. Someone will replace me, and this gap that I leave will be quickly filled. They'll be a new HUC (health unit coordinator), a new buddy, a new friend, a new salsa partner, a new roomate.

By the time I come back the places in which I fit will have become the inpenetrable wall of insiders; I will have become an outsider.

And that is where I am now, bouncing from one life to another, in a perpetual state of outsider-ness. In a way that's what I seek, what I want for my life, to drift amist worlds.

But I am scared and tired and depressed, selfishly so. Why would my life matter when big struggles are taken place right now? The elections in Afghanistan, the murder of Iraquis, the fascims of the world, elections in the US, and the constant violation of human rights. How can I really sit here and 'enjoy' the sufferings of my life? How can anyone?

Ai.. how can the inner struggle matter if one does not fight for a bigger cause than one's own?